Building Relationships with Teens: Be Dependable

Posted on May 8, 2013 by daverozman1024

If you have not read my previous posts in this series on Building Relationships with Teens, I encourage you to go back and read my first post to get an idea of why I started this series. (Here are links to posts two and three)

This is the fourth post in a series on how to connect with teens based on the Teen Voice 2010 study from the Search Institute and Best Buy Children’s Foundation. In this study, they shared a list of “10 tips from Teens to Adults” that outlined how to best connect with teens and what they look for in a caring adult relationship. In my third post, I focused on the tip, “Listen,” and shared examples of how I did this (or, in some cases how I failed to listen) in my work with teens. Today, I will share practical examples of how to connect with teens using Tip #4.

Tip #4: Be dependable. Do what you say you’re going to do.

In preparing for this series, I reached out to several teens I used to work with. They are all adults now, some with their own families—many are now working with youth. I shared this list and asked them if any stories came to mind about how I displayed or did not display the behaviors listed. Matt, who I have known since he was around 13 years old, told me this story.

He said that one day he and I were sitting in the computer lab talking about religion, one of Matt’s favorite topics. I was sharing with him some of the principles I learned from the pastor at my church and the daily implications of this teaching. Matt was engaged in the conversation, asking questions and, if I remember correctly, challenging or debating me. He had a tendency to do that. But I remember that he was very interested in what we were talking about.

I mentioned that our church had created a bumper sticker with one of its key principles on it as a reminder or display. Matt casually mentioned how he would like one of those stickers to remind him of these principles, so I told him I would see if I could get one for him. When I was at church that week, I picked one up for him and gave it to him the next time I saw him.

Here is what Matt had to say about this interaction: “I remember one day we were discussing church and you were telling me about Mars Hill and the concept of “Love Wins.” I was completely amazed by the idea and asked you to get me a bumper sticker. The next time I saw you, you had my bumper sticker. Throughout my time under your leadership you were always adequately prepared and dependable. I can’t think of a time where you didn’t keep your word.”

To tell the truth I had completely forgotten about this encounter with Matt, but for some reason it has stuck with him all these years. I have talked to countless teens just this last year who have told me stories of adults asking for their feedback and then doing nothing with it. They share with me how an adult says they will provide something, like a field trip, as an incentive. But once the teens accomplish the task set before them, they never get the field trip.

Through my experiences working with teens, I quickly learned the importance of keeping my word and being dependable. I noticed this when teens would light up when I remembered a promise I made regarding a new game I bought for our teen center. I began to realize that many of the teens I was working with were promised stuff by adults all the time. By their teachers, their parents and other youth workers. But often those adults made up excuses to why they could not fulfill those promises. They began to expect that a promise or an adult’s word was not worth much, and they wouldn’t hold their hopes on it. Because of this, I made it a priority to never make a promise I could not keep and to follow through on what I say I am going to do for them.

Tips for Parents and Youth Workers:

Don’t make promises you can’t keep. If you have any doubt that you will be able to do something be honest. Teens will value and trust you more if you are open and tell them something might not happen (and WHY when possible) than if you just fail to produce.
The small stuff matters. More than five years later, Matt still remembers about a sticker I brought him.
Be an example. It has been said many times that teens watch what you do more than they listen to what you say. I found this to be very true in my experiences working with teens. Lead by example and be dependable. If you say they need to meet you at 8 a.m. you better be there at 7:50, waiting.

What Teens are Doing on Instagram

Posted on April 30, 2013 by daverozman1024

By far the hottest smartphone app for teens in 2012 was Instagram. It was the one trend that no matter what group of teens I was speaking with, they all mentioned it as being very popular with teens. And with the number of teens owning smartphones up from 23% in 2011 to 37% in 2012, this app remains popular with teens well into 2013 and shows no signs of slowing down.

Here is a quick synopsis of Instagram in case you are unfamiliar with this app. It is an app for your smartphone that enables you to edit pictures using various filters and effects. This allows you to make your everyday pictures look like you are a seasoned photographer. And of course Instagram allows you to easily share your pictures with friends via Facebook and Twitter. The app also allows you to “follow” others so that you always receive the latest pictures of what your friends are having for lunch. Just to put the popularity of this app in perspective, there are roughly 40 million pictures uploaded to the Instagram app each day.

When I ask teens why they like Instagram, they share various reasons related to personal self-expression. It allows them to share their life through pictures in a creative and sometimes artistic way.

With Instagram being so popular with teens, I have been paying more attention to it. I have been asking teens questions related to the app and how they use it and I have been using it myself to become more familiar with the app and it’s functions.

I think Instagram is a great app for adults and teens. It can bring out a creative side in almost anyone, which I think is a character trait lacking in today’s teens. It also allows teens to share unique experiences and opportunities they have had with their peers.

Recently at a large Teen Leadership conference I was helping manage, we created a hashtag for the conference. I was blown away when we had over 4,000 pictures tagged with the conference hashtag in just three days. The majority of the pictures showed teens participating in community service events, college tours and exploring historical sites. I thought this was very powerful. They were sharing these experiences with their peers who were not able to attend the event. When discussing this with one of the teens, he reminded me that “a picture is worth a thousand words.”

But I have noticed several trends related to Instagram that are concerning.

Age recuirement. One trend I have seen is common on many social networking sites. Users who are under the required age creating an account. The terms of Instagram state you must be 13 years old to use the services, but I have some across many accounts associated with youth under that age.

Public vs. Private. Instagram preferences, like most social media networks, are set to public but provide the option for the user to make their content private. If your Instagram account is set to private that means a user must ask to follow you before they can view your pictures. I am discovering that many teens do not make the selection to keep their account private. Because it is public, any Instagram user can view their pictures.

Creepy. Instagram has a feature that allows you to explore others content. This will generate a display showing pictures of various users that can be refreshed to show more photos. In viewing this option I have seen pictures of teens pop up in this display. What disturbs me the most is some of the pictures show teens in revealing outfits. I was showing this to my wife the other day and telling her how I have seen some of these users, who are teens, have upwards of 25K to 75K followers. What this tells me is either this teen is a celebrity that I don’t know about. Or there are a lot of Instagram users who are stumbling onto their pictures and then following them so that they continue to see more pictures of that teen in revealing outfits. Either way, it is disturbing to me that a teen of 15 or 16 are posting these types of pictures for all to see.

“Likes.” In a recent blog by Sarah Brooks, she talks about how teens are wrapped up in the number of “Likes” or “Followers” they have on sites like Instagram. For some teens, they may use this as a way to gage their popularity or self-worth. If you have not already read her post I encourage you to check it out here.

I started asking teens if they saw their peers trying to gain more “likes” and what they felt it meant. Here is what I learned.

“I see this all the time. I think it has turned into a type of competition and so they have the bragging rights of how many followers they have or how many likes they get on a picture.”

“I believe that it’s all an “ego” thing, also if you have more followers people think your Important in some way.”

“I have seen (the hashtag) #likeforlike so people who search it can like the pictures and have one of theirs liked too.” I checked this out in the explore feature on Instagram and found 7,207,689 pictures tagged #LikeforLike, many of them were of teens. The picture to the left is an example of what I found when I searched the hashtag #LikeforLike.

When discussing the popular hashtag #40morelikes one teen shared, “it is a way to get likes and followers. There is an app called TagforLikes that many people use to get a lot of likes on their pictures.” I checked this out and indeed there were several apps that a user could download that would help you attain more “Likes” on your pictures. What it does is allow you to easily tag your picture with the most popular hashtags on Instagram, such as #food or #girl. Then when someone searches for one of those hashtags, your picture is displayed for them to view. The picture to the right is an example.

One reviewer of the app TagsforLikes mentioned gaining over 20 new likes in a matter of seconds using the app. Note these are not more likes from your friends but from random users.

If you are like me, all of this probably feels a little overwhelming. Maybe you are even thinking about taking social media privileges away from your teen. I don’t have all the answers but here are a few ideas to help guide you.

Tips for youth workers and parents:

Be aware. Half of the battle is knowing that these trends are out there and teens are engaging in them. My hope is that my blog is useful in provideing you with some current and relevat information regardint teens and teen trends. But you can ask teens yourself too. I am always surprised how much teens are willing to share. If you are a youth worker make sure you are asking teens about new trends, how they use new apps or what certain hashtags mean. Sarah Brooks is a great example of engaging the youth she is working with in conversation and being aware of what is going on. Parents, my hope is your teen is connected to a youth group. If so, ask the youth worker(s) what are some of the trends you need to be aware of. And youth workers help out the parents. Host a workshop, write a monthly newsletter, create a system to text parents regularly about new trends you are seeing that you think they should be aware of.
Talk to your teen(s) about the importance of privacy settings on social network sites like Instagram. According to Pew Internet, only “39% of parents of teen users of social networks have helped their child set up privacy settings for a social networking site.” Youth workers here is another way you can help out. Host a social network session for your teens where you teach them about the privacy settings and why it is important that they use them properly.
Give them a “Like.” Not on a social media account but in real life. Every day. And often. Make sure they know they are liked, heck make sure they know they are loved and that someone cares about them. In the little things and big things. Compliment their outfit, their positive attitude, a character trait they displayed, just plan tell them they are awesome!

Building Relationships with Teens: Pay Attention to Them

Posted on April 23, 2013 by daverozman1024

If you have not read my previous two posts on Building Relationships with Teens, I encourage you to go back and read post one to get an idea of why I started this series. And you can find post two is located here.

This is the third post in a series on how to connect with teens based on the Teen Voice 2010 study from the Search Institute and Best Buy Children’s Foundation. In this study, they shared a list of “10 tips from Teens to Adults” that outlined how to best connect with teens and what they look for in a caring adult relationship. In my second post, I focused on the tip, “Spend time talking with us,” where I shared examples of how I have done this in my work with teens. I also provided some tips for youth workers and parents. Today I will share practical examples of how I connected with teens using Tip #3.

Tip 3: LISTEN. Pay attention. Don’t multi-task or get distracted when you’re with us. Respond to messages and texts.

I shared these 10 tips with a group of teens I am currently working with and asked their opinions. Today, one of the girls commented that the whole list was right on. But she continued to say that the most important tip on the list is to listen. She said she is “always getting yelled at for being on her phone, but many of the adults around her do the same thing.”

In a culture where teens are often driven to see how many “likes” or comments they can get on social networks or how many people view their video, you would think everyone is listening to them. When I have talked with teens about this, they admit that they know social networks don’t replace real face-to-face relationships. They also know that often people are not being their true selves online.

Teens crave authenticity, and as adults, parents and youth workers, we can provide that.

But that means we must truly listen to them.

This tip and tip one (look at us and make eye contact) have a similar message: Pay attention to me; show me that you are listening and that you care.

I can’t use the line, “Back when I was a teen director,” because it truly has not been that long. But a lot has changed. I did not own a cell phone or have a social network account. So teens were not connecting with me through digital devices, but we still had our fair share of distractions.

Rather than tell you of a time when I did listen to teens well, I want to tell you the ways I did not listen to teens well. In my role as the teen director at the local Boys & Girls Club, I had a lot of responsibilities. We often had 60–80 teens in our facility at a time, more during the winter months. This created distractions for me. Instead of focusing on the one conversation I was having with a teen or small group of teens I was constantly looking away, scanning the room to make sure the other teens were behaving or seeing who had just arrived.

I had a technique I refer to as “drive-by conversations.” I would circle the room stopping briefly at each group of teens to comment on a pool game, ask how school was that day or ask who was winning at Madden. I was making little connections but often I was not allowing for a true response. Often I was walking away as they were responding to my initial question. I was not listening to them.

Tips for Youth Workers and Parents:

Don’t be distracted. Do the basics: look at the teen you are talking with, turn and face him or her, have an open posture and ask follow-up questions to show you are engaged. Model the behavior you want to see in them.
Put your phone out of sight. They can be the biggest distraction we have around us. If it vibrates, rings or sings to you, do not immediately reach for it. Parents, create a cell phone parking lot in your home where cell phones go while you are in the house. This will limit your desire to look at it every five seconds.
Respond. If they email, call, text, tweet, or send a carrier pigeon or smoke signals, make sure you respond in a timely manner. And this means knowing what a timely manner is for teens.
Schedule follow-up conversations. If you do have to step away for a legitimate reason like a meeting or you have to use the bathroom, let them know when you will be back or schedule a time to finish your conversation. Be proactive and seek them out to follow-up and re-connect. I worked with a staff member who was great at this. Often when she would have a task at hand, she would ask the teen to walk and talk with her as she moved about the teen center.

Building Relationships with Teens: Spend Time Talking with Them

Posted on April 19, 2013 by daverozman1024

One of my main goals is to help adults better understand, relate to and connect with teens in order to positively impact their lives. Because of that, this is the second post in a series focusing on how to connect with teens based on the Teen Voice 2010 study from the Search Institute and Best Buy Children’s Foundation. In this study, they shared a list of “10 tips from Teens to Adults” that outlined how to best connect with teens and what they look for in a caring adult relationship. In my first post I focused on the first tip, “Look at us,” and shared examples of how I have done this in my work with teens. I also provided some tips for youth workers and parents. Today I will share practical examples of how I connected with teens using Tip #2.

Tip #2: Spend time talking with us. Ask open-ended questions. Build conversation.

I have to admit that when I first started working with youth, asking open-ended questions was very difficult for me. I was comfortable with the “How’s it going?” type questions or “What are your hobbies?” but getting deeper than that was tough for me. When I was serving as an adventure guide out in Washington, I had fellow guides and counselors that could ask just the right question that would lead to an hour-long conversation with a teen. I often sat by quietly in amazement at what seemed to come so naturally to some of the other guides.

But, like anything, practice and a few good resources helped me grow and become more comfortable asking questions of teens. What worked for me was a game called The Ungame. It is the simplest game in the world and turned out to be one of the best games to get teens talking in groups. You pass the deck around and each person picks a card. Each card in the deck has a simple question on it. Then you go around and each person answers the question. Simple right?

The deck of cards is divided into two categories. Category one cards are more lighthearted questions such as “Talk about your favorite sport and why you like it” or “In what ways does TV influence your life?” Category two cards are a little more deep or serious, such as “Which of your senses do you value the most?” or “What kind of emergency scares you the most?”

I would always keep The Ungame on my desk and use it as an icebreaker with various small group meetings. Starting with the category one cards was a great way to begin to get to know each other better and form connections. I would find that these random questions would allow teens to then open up about their passions or their deepest fears. And because the questions came from a deck of cards and not me, they were more likely to answer.

I remember one time in particular when I was taking a group of teens to a leadership conference and we had a four- to six-hour van ride. After a few rounds of arguing over what music to play I mentioned that I had The Ungame in my bag. The teens, probably 8–10 in all, were very excited and started facilitating the game by themselves. They decided that since they had played the game previously as a group that they would change up our rules: for every card that was drawn, we would go around and each person would answer the question. They played the game for what felt like three hours. It was great because I barely did anything but drive and listen. It was the quickest drive with teens in my life and I felt like by the time we arrived at our destination, the teens truly knew each other and had developed a deeper appreciation of and trust for each other.

The cool thing about a game like The Ungame is that you can set it up how ever you’d like. If the group is still relatively new, start with category one cards and not allow any questions or comments. If the group has been around each other and demonstrates that they are comfortable with each other, use category two cards and allow people to ask follow-up questions to others’ responses.

Using a tool like The Ungame helped me become more comfortable asking teens questions that truly mattered. I ended up realizing that many of them were waiting for someone to ask them deeper questions and allow them to share their thoughts, feelings and struggles. I realize now that I had more anxiety over asking these questions than they had in responding to me. Now I really enjoy asking teens questions.

Tips for Youth Workers and Parents:

Be prepared. Some people are great at asking questions in the moment, but if you are like me this can be difficult. Spend time thinking and even writing down open-ended questions and conversations starters for the groups or teens you interact with. Now, I don’t recommend changing a conversation just to ask your question. Try to fit questions in the conversation or use them when there is a lull.
Listen to what they are saying and follow up. Once the conversation ends, think about a follow-up question you could ask next time you see them. This shows that you were listening and that you truly care. I sometimes dealt with over 100 teens a day and would often jot down little notes of conversations I have with certain teens to help me remember them later.
Have a favorite or go-to question with a purpose. I was mentoring a teen through the court system and found it hard to create conversation, especially around some of the issues he needed help and guidance with. So I began asking him “What good choices did you make this week?” each time I saw him. At first he had trouble answering and I would have to dig a little deeper. But after a year of weekly meetings he would come up to me answering the question before I even had a chance to ask it. This guided our conversation and also brought his positive choices to the forefront of our conversation and his mind instead of the negative choices that he was accustomed to talking about.

Semicolon Project 416

Posted on April 16, 2013 by daverozman1024

I just got off a conference call with a group of teens from around the country tonight and learned about semicolon project 416. Also written #semicolonproject416 on twitter, Instagram and Tumblr. I had not heard of this previously but almost all the teens on the call had heard of it and seen teens brandishing a semicolon on their wrists today.

Here is what it means or represents:

Looking on Instagram there are just under 220,000 photos tagged #semicolonproject416. There appear are Tumblr post blogs and posts dedicated to this. Many with responses from teens saying they just added the semicolon to their wrist.

I do not know the origins of this or if this is a once a year event. If anyone has more information please share in the comments.

This is an obvious way that teens are sharing that they have gone through some hardships and that they have struggled. The good news is they have made a positive choice not to harm themselves or end their life. But many of them may still be struggling and dealing with tough issues.

Parent and Youth Worker Tips:

If you see a teen with a semicolon drawn on a them, ask them about it. Ask them what it means or why they have drawn it on their skin.
Ask them if they want to talk.
Make a mental note of teens whose mood may have been different (positive or negative today). Make mental note of a teen who had a semicolon drawn on their arm.
I am not a counselor or a psychologist, if there is one that works at your organization or school please share this with them and discuss how you should proceed if you see a teen with a semicolon drawn on their arm.
I do not know much about this yet, but I do not see a need to freak out at every teen who has a semicolon drawn on them. But I do see it as a sign from that teen, maybe a little flag saying “help me” or “notice me.” As parents and youth workers when we see something like this we need to let the teens know that we care for them.
Be there for your teens.

Building Relationships with Teens: Make Eye Contact

Posted on April 16, 2013 by daverozman1024

One of the main goals I have is to help adults better understand, relate to and connect with teens in order to positively impact their lives. I have seen first hand and talked to a lot of teens who have overcome great obstacles in their lives because of one caring adult. So it was very exciting when I stumbled upon the Teen Voice 2010 study from the Search Institute and Best Buy Children’s Foundation. What I found most exciting about this survey is they had a list of “10 tips from Teens to Adults” that outlined how to best connect with teens and what they looked for in a caring adult relationship.

I have said in numerous blog posts that one of the most important things you can do when working with teens is to listen to them. I am going use my own advice and begin a series of posts walking through each of these “10 tips from Teens to Adults.” In this series I will be sharing practical examples of how you can use each one to build a positive relationship with teens.

Tip One: Look at Us. Make eye contact.

This sounds simple enough. But think through the times you are talking and engaged with teens and try to remember what else you may have been doing at the time? I can remember countless times where I was around teens and I was multitasking. I would look up from my computer and say hi and how was your day? To then turn back to my computer while they answered. In that moment I was not focused one hundred percent on that teen. I had missed out on an opportunity to have a deep connection with that them.

One of my favorite games to play when I worked at a local Boys & Girls Club Teen Center was ping-pong. I was a tennis pro at a local country club through college so ping-pong came very naturally. Because of this I taught myself to play ping-pong left-handed to make the games more competitive and fun for the members. Sometimes I did not even tell them I was right-handed. But back to building relationships with teens.

I used ping-pong as a way to engage in conversation, especially with teens that were not likely to just sit down and open up. While playing I continually asked my teen opponent questions. It could have been as simple as “how was your day” or as in-depth as asking about a struggle they were working to overcome. One specific method I always tried to practice if a conversation went to that deeper level was this: if I really wanted the teen to know I was listening, I would simply hold the ball between points and wait to serve until we had finished up that part of the conversation.

I knew some of these teens did not have many adults truly listening to them. I wanted to show them that there were adults who cared about them. I had one teen in particular who was a member of one of the local gangs. He would come in everyday after school and immediately challenge me in ping-pong. He had a hard exterior but after weeks and weeks of playing and using this practice of asking questions and listening to him, he began to open up to me. He never beat me in ping-pong and was pretty ticked when he found out I was not left-handed, but he kept coming back. I like to think he did not keep coming back to try to win but to talk with me.

Youth Worker and Parent tips:

Don’t multitask while trying to have a conversation with teens. We don’t like it when they multitask while we are trying to talk to them. So don’t do it to them.
If a teen asks you a question, no matter how small, turn to look at them and give them your attention.
If you do have to step away from a conversation, set a time to finish the conversation.

Are Teens Leaving Facebook?

Posted on March 13, 2013 by daverozman1024

Did you see the recent Time Magazine article,”Is Facebook Losing Its Cool? Some Teens Think So.” It is another in the ongoing conversation about which Social Networks are getting more attention from teens. There is no concrete scientific study (at least not that I know of) saying that teens are fleeing Facebook like a flock of birds flying south for the winter. But if they are it should not be a surprise to us.

Why you ask? First, think about when you were a teen. Did you like hanging out with your parents, siblings, uncles and grandparents or would you have rather been hanging out with your friends? That’s easy, you would have rather been with your friends. The same concept applies in the world of Social Media.

When teens first signed up for Facebook, they were doing so because their friends were on it and not their family members. Fast forward a few years and with Facebook’s growth, now their family members are on Facebook too. Some teens may choose to leave or limit their Facebook use based on this. Like the one teen stated in the Time Magazine article, “All your relatives are constantly commenting on your stuff. I appreciate the gesture and wanting to keep up with my life, but it’s kind of annoying.”

The second reason it should come as no surprise that teens may be leaving Facebook is because teens are early adopters. What I mean by this is when something new comes out, a new TV Show, a new piece of technology a new type of music. Teens are quicker than their adult counterparts to check it out. They don’t sit back and ask a bunch of question and perform a detailed analysis before they try something. Because they are early adopters, they are likely to try something new early and when everyone else begins to claim that thing is popular, teens are already moving onto the next great new thing.

This is why companies like Facebook are constantly making changes. They are trying to keep it fresh and new enough to keep teens and early adopters engaged and interested.

Third, Teens are at a stage in life where they are beginning to try to separate themselves, stand out and not blend in, figure out who they are as an individual. If the word on the street is everyone is on Facebook, then being on Facebook is not setting themselves apart from others. It is blending in when they want to stand out. This is not to say they won’t still have a Facebook account, but they will be looking for a way to stand out on Facebook or find another avenue to set themselves apart from the crowd.

Lastly there is more Social Networks available now. Five years ago there were only a handful of Social Networking options. Today it seems there is a new one in the App Store every month.

Teens have choices, and what they have decided to do is use different social networks for different types of activities. In talking with teens I hear them say they use Facebook for connecting with family and group work for school. They love Instagram because they can share pictures about what is happening in their life and things that interest them. They like tumblr because it is like an online Diary where they can share pictures and videos that inspire them or reflect how they are feeling on a given day.

Companies are paying attention and trying to combined the best features of the different social networks into one. Case in point is Facebook’s accusation of Instagram and the development of a new Social Networks like Snapchat and Pheed. (Read more about Pheed here)

What does this mean for parents and youth workers?

Pay attention. Once you think you know about all the social networks your teens are on, they are probably checking out 2 more. Stay in the know by following sites like Mashable on Facebook or twitter. Or just navigate to the site and read the articles. When something new in the area of social media comes on the scene they are one of the first to report on it. If you read about a new Social Network or App, ask your teen if they have heard of it. If they have, ask them about it. Ask them to show you how it works or why they think it is cooler than other Social Network.
Pay Attention Continued. Periodically check out what is on the Top Charts of the app store. This will give you a basic idea of what is currently popular. And check your computers browser history to see if the new Social Network site pops up as a recent site visited. This will tell you if your teenager has visited the site.
If you work with teens understand what your teens use each Social Network for. This will help you decide what platform to use if trying to engage with teens via social media. Better yet, include them in the process of creating a social media outreach strategy for your group/organization. Teens love to feel like they are teaching someone older than them something.
If you are a parent, don’t like EVERY comment your teen makes on Facebook. And definitely do not scold them in the comments section. You can observe from a distance on social networks so they don’t feel you are watching their every move.

What Social Networks are your teens using?

Be in the Know about Snapchat

Posted on January 24, 2013 by daverozman1024

In early December I first heard of a new smartphone application that was popular with Teens called Snapchat. One goal I have with my blog is to inform youthworkers and parents of what is popular and trending with teens especially when it could be harmful, inappropriate or misused by their teens. With the hustle and Bustle of the Holiday season I did not get a post up about it sooner and I apologize for that.

Snapchat is getting more attention every day being highlighted in numerous articles and blogs and even mentioned on the latest episode of Parenthood. This app is basically a picture sharing application but what makes it unique is you can set your pictures to self destruct. Meaning, if I send someone a picture I can set a timer so that once the person who I am sending the picture to opens it, they only have 10 seconds to view it before it is erased from their phone. Sounds fun right? One of the concerns that many people have with this application is that it is directly geared towards sexting.

Even if it is not intended to be used for sexting that is one reputation it has received. Just skim through the reviews in the iTunes App store and you will see comments like, “15 year old male username: ********** looking for 13-18 F dirty or clean.” In fact there are numerous posts in the reviews section like this. People telling their age, sex, basics of what they look like and then asking for other random people to follow them and Snapchat with them. Some say specifically “no nudes” meaning no nude pictures.

Now I am not saying every teen or person using Snapchat is engaging in sexting. Over Christmas I was speaking with a relative and they mentioned how their daughter uses it as a fun way to communicate with their cousins. I also spoke to a group of teens about Snapchat and one teen said “personally, it’s another form of texting. The kind of pics I send is of food, or what I’m doing, what I’m watching, and a bunch of funny faces.” I actually think this is how most teens are using the app, as another fun alternative to texting.

What I am saying is be aware of what apps are on your teens phones and what apps are popular with teens. Be in the Know. Have conversations with them about appropriate behavior and use of the smartphone.

Here are links to several other articles and post related to Snapchat if you would like more information or some tips for discussing this app with your teenager:

NBC Today Show Story from Dec. 4th, 2012 about Snapchat-

A Parents Take on Snapchat via Mashable

Snapchat- Kids Can Send Explicit Pictures that Self Destruct via Parenting Today’s Kids (Good parenting tips in this article)

The Best Marriage Advice I Received and How it Relates to Teens

Posted on October 25, 2012 by daverozman1024

I love observing teens, seeing how they interact with each other, interact with the environment they are in and what clues to current trends I might pick up on. I make a habit of it especially when I am in different cities and states. This week while in Atlanta I was sitting at a Chick-Fil-a (had to add that since we don’t have Chick-Fil-a in Michigan) enjoying a chicken sandwich and observed a group of teens on a filed trip. I observed an interaction between these teens which I have seen all to often. Something I have seen time and time again while working with teens. I wont call it a new trend but just part of Teen Culture.

Let me set the scene. There were several round tables outside that had four small bench seats each. Each bench seat could fit 2 people but it would be tight. There is one table with four teens and a table next to it with three teens. A fourth teen (we will call him Frank just to keep this easier to understand) walks up and goes to sit down in the open spot. But as he does, another teen (we will call him joe) says it is his spot. Frank grabs his stuff and proceeds to sit at a third table by himself. Frank looked a little upset but kept a smile while saying “Just like at school.” This brought on comments from the first table of teens. I did not hear exactly what they said, but by the looks of what happened next, I am guessing they were getting on Joe’s case for kicking frank out of the seat. I then saw Joe invite Frank back to the table to sit with the group, but this meant Joe and Frank had to share a small bench. This then brought on comments from the both groups of teens along the lines of “Dude are you gay?” Just because he was sharing a small bench with another guy. There were some laughs and then the groups continued eating and talking.

Now let me tell you about the best marriage advice I received prior to getting married. During pre-marital counseling my wife and I were told there is no room for sarcasm in marriage (Credit Greg Rose for this great advice). Because with every bit of sarcasm there is a little bit of truth and these sometimes playful remarks can lead to anger and even hurt the other person. Over time they can lead to large arguments and issues. My wife and I have held to this and it has helped us out tremendously in our marriage.

How does this relate to the situation with the teens you ask? In my years working with teens, when I would witness situations like this and confront the teens, they would say one of the following statements. “I was just joking” or “just kidding.” As if by them saying they were “just kidding”, the teen who was the butt of the joke should not take the statement as serious. When I hear this I always share two things with the teens. One, there is always a little bit of truth to every “Just Kidding.” And second, in communication it is not about what you say but about how the other person interprets it or receives that comment. If it is hurtful to them, even if you did not intend it to be, it is still a hurtful comment.

I am not advocating that teens should never goof around or joke with each other. But I do think this “Just Kidding” culture is hurtful and teens do not even realize the impact their words have on each other. Recently I had a discussion with teens about bullying, they shared that some incidents of bullying are usually just joking that a teen has taken too seriously. Teens are cutting each other down each and everyday and I feel it is our role as Youth Workers and Parents to make them aware of this and teach them to build each other up instead of cutting each other down.

Instead of providing Tips I want to share an activity I did with some teens I worked with to get at this issue.

We had about 20 teens on a weekend retreat in the woods. At the beginning of the retreat we gave everyone (including the leaders) a safety-pin with five pieces of ribbon on them and asked them to visibly wear these safety pins at all times. The five ribbons stood for “I Am Lovable And Capable.” Throughout the weekend, if someone (Joe Teen) said something to another person (Jane Teen) that Jane Teen felt was hurtful. Then Jane Teen would remove one of her ribbons and hand it to Joe Teen as a symbol that you just took a little bit of me, you cut me down and took a little bit of my confidence. Joe Teen would then have to hold onto that ribbon for the remainder of the weekend. (We also allowed teens who had hurtful statements made towards them to quietly remove a ribbon and place it in their pocket if they did not feel comfortable handing it to the person who made the comment to them)

The reactions to this activity were amazing and I have to say it was one of the most powerful activities I have ever done with teens. We saw a few teens acquiring other people’s ribbons at a very quick pace. This upset them and they still kept saying, “But I was just Kidding!” We saw groups of teens standing up for each other and saying, “I think you need to give him a ribbon because that comment was hurtful.” And we saw some teens not acquiring any ribbons at all while having all of theirs taken from them. We spent time debriefing this activity at the end of the weekend and it was great to hear teens saying that they did not realize how much their words hurt someone else. These lessons carried on once we were back from the retreat and even months later these teens would say to each other, “That comment deserves a ribbon.”

I encourage you to be role models by building up the teens you work with and not cut them down. Teach them how to build each other up. Create a No “Just Kidding” Zone and talk to them about the impact words can have. Lets work to educated teens about the impact of this “Just Kidding Culture” and the hurt it can cause. Lets remind them that if they don’t have something nice to say, then maybe they should not say anything at all.

[Please note that the activity I shared was facilitated with a group of teen leaders who already had a good relationship with each other and had a high level of trust with the Youth Workers facilitating the activity. I would not recommend doing this activity with a group of teens who are unfamiliar with each other]

The Consequences of a Comment

Posted on October 12, 2012 by daverozman1024

When I was in the 4th or 5th grade I had a teacher make a comment to me that has impacted me to this day. This sounds like the making of a real feel good story that I can tell about how a caring adult made a difference in my life. I can see it playing on a video screen at a banquet with great video cut-aways to the teacher talking to students and an amazing song playing in the background. But that is not the case with this story because the comment the teach made to me was not a positive one.

We had a substitute teacher one day and were working on a writing assignment. I remember the teacher walking around the room checking to see how we were doing. I very vividly remember her walking up behind me, looking over my shoulder at the paper I was writing and saying loud enough for the whole class to hear, “What is that Greek?” The class laughed and I felt embarrassed.

It only been in the last few years that I have remembered this incident. probably because I buried it deep in my brain. But I can trace a lot back to that one comment the teacher made. I can trace back the fact that I stopped working on my penmanship and still have poor penmanship to this day. When facilitating trainings I often ask for volunteers to write on the flip chart for me out. Not out of embarrassment but because I know the participants wont be able to read my handwriting as well. I can trace back my poor spelling and grammar skills to that moment in time. I am a horrible speller and honestly do not know the difference between a noun, verb or adjective. No I am not kidding. I have even taking courses to improve my grammar to no avail.

So what does this have to do with Teen Trends and Teen Culture, the themes of most of my blog posts? Nothing at all. Occasionally I want to share stories or practical tips to help you set your teens up for success. I often share this personal story in my trainings, usually when writing in front of the group. And the point I make is the little things matter. The little comments you say DO MATTER to the youth and teens you are talking to. So focus on the positive, not the negative, ALWAYS.

Many teens may go through their whole day without anyone saying something positive to them. They probably have heard countless jokes or have been teased by their friends more than they can count. You as the adult should not contribute to the negative or joking comments. They can often shake off a comment from a friend, but a negative comment or joke from a trusted adult, someone who they look up too. That can break them. We are in our professions as youth workers, or our roles as parents to build up our teens. To help them succeed. To build their confidence. To guide them to making smart decisions. And most importantly to help them not hurt them.

Most teens won’t let you know that the positive comments you say affect them. And they may not tell you the negative comments do either. But you can see it on their face, you see it in the decisions they make, they may tell you years later or you may never know.

I can still remember a time when I made the mistake of making a joke at the behalf of a teen. He was a 14-year-old guy who had just gotten a his hair cut my a friend and his peers were giving it to him pretty good. He was smiling and joking around with them. But then I made the comment, “Did you get in a fight with a lawnmower?” About 20 teen guys burst out laughing, but the teen with the bad haircut, I immediately saw his smile go away and a look of disappointment and embarrassment in his face. I will admit I regretted that comment as soon as I said it and I vowed never to do that to a teen again. And just so you know I pulled him aside pretty quickly to apologize.

So what can you do as parents and youth workers:

Don’t mock or make jokes at a teens expense.
Lift them up with positive comments. Look for the good in every teen and point it out.
Text them just to say “good job” on their most recent test or that you appreciate a positive character trait or choice them made.
Make sure they have other positive and caring adults in their lives who are also focused on lifting them up and not putting them down.
Did I mention DON”T put them down yet?

Note: keep this in mind when you read my future blog posts. You may get frustrated with poor sentence structure or run on sentences. Instead of holding it against me, remember the comment the teacher made to me and commit to only lifting up youth, not putting them dow. Or offer to proof read my posts for me (c:

daverozman

I am not a Teenager

Category Archives: Parenting Tips