Category Archives: Resources

Building Relationships with Teens: Spend Time Talking with Them

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One of my main goals is to help adults better understand, relate to and connect with teens in order to positively impact their lives. Because of that, this is the second post in a series focusing on how to connect with teens based on the Teen Voice 2010 study from the Search Institute and Best Buy Children’s Foundation. In this study, they shared a list of “10 tips from Teens to Adults” that outlined how to best connect with teens and what they look for in a caring adult relationship. In my first post I focused on the first tip, “Look at us,” and shared examples of how I have done this in my work with teens. I also provided some tips for youth workers and parents. Today I will share practical examples of how I connected with teens using Tip #2.

Tip #2: Spend time talking with us. Ask open-ended questions. Build conversation.

I have to admit that when I first started working with youth, asking open-ended questions was very difficult for me. I was comfortable with the “How’s it going?” type questions or “What are your hobbies?” but getting deeper than that was tough for me. When I was serving as an adventure guide out in Washington, I had fellow guides and counselors that could ask just the right question that would lead to an hour-long conversation with a teen. I often sat by quietly in amazement at what seemed to come so naturally to some of the other guides.

But, like anything, practice and a few good resources helped me grow and become more comfortable asking questions of teens. What worked for me was a game called The Ungame. It is the simplest game in the world and turned out to be one of the best games to get teens talking in groups. You pass the deck around and each person picks a card. Each card in the deck has a simple question on it. Then you go around and each person answers the question. Simple right?

the-ungame-300dpiThe deck of cards is divided into two categories. Category one cards are more lighthearted questions such as “Talk about your favorite sport and why you like it” or “In what ways does TV influence your life?” Category two cards are a little more deep or serious, such as “Which of your senses do you value the most?” or “What kind of emergency scares you the most?”

I would always keep The Ungame on my desk and use it as an icebreaker with various small group meetings. Starting with the category one cards was a great way to begin to get to know each other better and form connections. I would find that these random questions would allow teens to then open up about their passions or their deepest fears. And because the questions came from a deck of cards and not me, they were more likely to answer.

I remember one time in particular when I was taking a group of teens to a leadership conference and we had a four- to six-hour van ride. After a few rounds of arguing over what music to play I mentioned that I had The Ungame in my bag. The teens, probably 8–10 in all, were very excited and started facilitating the game by themselves. They decided that since they had played the game previously as a group that they would change up our rules: for every card that was drawn, we would go around and each person would answer the question. They played the game for what felt like three hours. It was great because I barely did anything but drive and listen. It was the quickest drive with teens in my life and I felt like by the time we arrived at our destination, the teens truly knew each other and had developed a deeper appreciation of and trust for each other.

The cool thing about a game like The Ungame is that you can set it up how ever you’d like. If the group is still relatively new, start with category one cards and not allow any questions or comments. If the group has been around each other and demonstrates that they are comfortable with each other, use category two cards and allow people to ask follow-up questions to others’ responses.

Using a tool like The Ungame helped me become more comfortable asking teens questions that truly mattered. I ended up realizing that many of them were waiting for someone to ask them deeper questions and allow them to share their thoughts, feelings and struggles. I realize now that I had more anxiety over asking these questions than they had in responding to me. Now I really enjoy asking teens questions.

Tips for Youth Workers and Parents:

  • Be prepared. Some people are great at asking questions in the moment, but if you are like me this can be difficult. Spend time thinking and even writing down open-ended questions and conversations starters for the groups or teens you interact with. Now, I don’t recommend changing a conversation just to ask your question. Try to fit questions in the conversation or use them when there is a lull.
  • Listen to what they are saying and follow up. Once the conversation ends, think about a follow-up question you could ask next time you see them. This shows that you were listening and that you truly care. I sometimes dealt with over 100 teens a day and would often jot down little notes of conversations I have with certain teens to help me remember them later.
  • Have a favorite or go-to question with a purpose. I was mentoring a teen through the court system and found it hard to create conversation, especially around some of the issues he needed help and guidance with. So I began asking him “What good choices did you make this week?” each time I saw him. At first he had trouble answering and I would have to dig a little deeper. But after a year of weekly meetings he would come up to me answering the question before I even had a chance to ask it. This guided our conversation and also brought his positive choices to the forefront of our conversation and his mind instead of the negative choices that he was accustomed to talking about.

Teen Culture Articles of Interest

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I have heard great leaders and innovators say that they are constantly reading. They do this to educate themselves, stay in the know about what is going on concerning topics of interest and to help them plan their next steps. I personally try to make time to read each day. Some days it is books, other days just articles of interest. This has been one of the most beneficial practices I have started in terms of helping me be more knowledgeable on a given topic (Teen Culture for example) and become forward thinking about how we need to engage teens in todays culture.

For those of you who have not yet started your own reading time or currently do not have the time, here are some articles I read recently that stand out.

How Prepared Are Your Students for College? From Kara Powell of StickyFaith.org. With a GREAT supporting Infographic from USA Today Education. A couple stand-out statistics to me were, “5 in 10 College Freshmen cannot find New York or Ohio on a Map” and “over half-a-million college freshmen drop out every year.” It is an eye opening read about how prepared our teens are for college courses today.

Why Fast, Cheap, and Easy Design Is Killing Your Nonprofit’s Brand. This article in FastCompany written by Heath Shackleford is not about teen culture. But if you have a program you are trying to grow, it has great advice for today’s Non-Profit. It asks the following question, “If you’re a nonprofit, ask yourself these questions. Do you want to fit in, or do you want to stand out? Do you want to “look pretty” or do you want to be effective?” I am guessing each of you want to stand out and be effective right? Start by checking out this article.

‘Cool’ kids in middle school bully more, UCLA psychologists report This new study looks at students in Middle school who were labeled the coolest and the most aggressive at the same time. It raises the issue that, “effective anti-bullying programs need to focus on the bystanders, who play a critical role and can either encourage or discourage bullying.” Work with middle school students? Then you need to read this article.

Here are a couple of more articles of interest:

What articles or books are you currently reading?

The Mindset List for the Class of 2016

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In order to fully engage with teens you need to have an understanding of where they are coming from. If you have heard me speak about teens previously, you have probably heard me get on my soap box and say that a few times. What I am saying is you need to know what is their current culture like. What are some of the same experiences they are going through that you went through as a teenager. And what are some of the differences between when you were a teen and teens today.  Having some of these basic understandings can ultimately open the doors to a positive dialogue and relationship.

One of the best examples I have seen of an organizations practicing this (with no influence from me at all) is Beloit College in Wisconsin. Each year since 1998, two staff members have created “The Mindset List” that “provides a look at the cultural touchstones that shape the lives of students entering college this fall.” The list was created for faculty, to provide them a snapshot of the incoming class of students and help them not make outdated references. The list has since taken off and is viewed well outside the walls of just Beloit University.

Here are a few of the 75 points made on this years list.

  • They watch television everywhere but on a television.
  • Probably the most tribal generation in history, they despise being separated from contact with their similar-aged friends.
  • There have always been blue M&Ms, but no tan ones.’
  • Having made the acquaintance of Furby at an early age, they have expected their toy friends to do ever more unpredictable things.
  • They have lived in an era of instant stardom and self-proclaimed celebrities, famous for being famous.
  • The Real World has always stopped being polite and started getting real on MTV.
  • Having grown up with MP3s and iPods, they never listen to music on the car radio and really have no use for radio at all.
  • Since they’ve been born, the United States has measured progress by a 2 percent jump in unemployment and a 16 cent rise in the price of a first class postage stamp.

Even just these few points give you a glimpse into the culture and mindset of this generation of college students. For starters, they are more connected to each other through technology than ever before.  But it also allows us to reflect and say wow, I cannot imagine growing up having never experienced or known…(insert your own thought here).  It opens your eyes and if used correctly can open up great conversations with this groups of teens.

I am pleased to see the authors created an accompanying guide this year with a more in-depth overview and some “How Too’s” for using this list to engage students in discussion. If you work with teens who are entering college this year, or have teens who are entering college this year. Make sure you check out the whole list/guide and figure out the best way you can use it to learn more about this generation while sharing a little bit about your generation.

The full list and guide can be found on the Beloit College website.

Teens and How they View Social Media

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A majority of the time when I am speaking to adults about social media and teens they  have very negative views. Usually based on news stories they have seen in the media.  Yes teen use social media, we all know that.  But it is not as negative or all encompassing as many adults may perceive. A new report from Common Sense Media titled ”Social Media, Social Life: How Teens View Their Digital Lives” sheds light on how teens view social media, and there are some very positive findings. And to make it even better they created a nice Infographic for those who don’t want to sift through all the findings. (Common Sense Media is an organization providing families trustworthy information to thrive in a world of media and technology)

Here is the great Infographic, below I will provide a few helpful youth worker tips bases on findings of this study.

Youth Worker and Parent Tips:

  • The report clearly shows that in person is their favorite way to communicate (followed by texting). Don’t get caught up in trying to publicize or reach teens for your program via social media. Meet them face to face. Take them out for a meal, hang out where teens are, engage them. Use social media and texting as a way to communicate and supplement word of mouth communication not take over for it.
  • Just over half of teens feel social media can help their relationships with family and friends. I find this to be true when I speak with teens. They feel they can keep in touch and see what is going on in each others daily lives even if they live far away. Especially if it is not a friend or family member they are able to connect with regularly.  As a parent, connect with other family members on social media sites and encourage your family to connect with your kids. This can allow your teens to feel more connected to their extended family making family get-togethers less awkward.
  • There is a large group of teens (and adults if we are honest with ourselves) who feel addicted to social media and wish they could disconnect. Create opportunities for teens to disconnect. Don’t be forceful and make this something you do everyday for long periods of time. But maybe if you are going on a field trip, having a lock-in or going on a family outing you ask everyone (adults too) to try to refrain from using technology. Doing this periodically can help teach teens how to step away from technology and be more engaged in the moment.

Articles on My Brain

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When I started this blog I set a goal of blogging once a week, so far that has not happened. But I also set the standard that family came first and I would not put blogging before family time.  Recently I have been traveling for work to provide training to youth workers and that has eaten up a lot of my time so I have been carving opportunities to just hang with my wife and kids.

Instead of a normal blog entry today what I thought I would do is share with you some of the articles that I have found interesting lately. I hope you find them interesting as well.

Teens Text more than Adults, but They’re Still Just Teens by and posted on the website The Daily Beast (The online home of Newsweek Magazine).  I appreciated how this article put teens technology use in perspective. Here is one of the most powerful quotes from the article that had me jumping out of my seat in agreement, “Teens with strong social support will thrive regardless of whether they are talking to their friends in person, on the phone or through Facebook. And those teens at-risk—due to abuse, drugs, poverty, or mental health issues—are still in desperate need of empathy and resources.”

This next article was not specific to teens but when talking about the dangers of teens having easy access to technology these days, the access to pornography is always brought up. Any youth worker who works with teen boys needs to be aware of what it is doing to their brains. Here is one article I read recently on the topic titled, “This is your Brain on Porn” by Michael Cusick and posted on RelevantMagazine.com.  When talking about the dangers of teens having access to technology so easily these days the access to pornography is always brought up.

And last this article hit home for me. I admit, I often struggle with the need to check my Facebook or twitter accounts frequently or respond to the most recent notification icon flashing on my phone. This article by Eric Dye posted on ChurchMag titled “Don’t Be a Smartphone Parent” was a good reminder for me about how important non-distracted family time can be. Recently I even turned off the notifications on my phone while on a short vacation. But I also downloaded instagram because of the cool pictures I could take of my kids.

That is just a sample of some of the articles I am reading that relate to working with teens or parenting. I hope you find them as interesting as I did. If you have an article that has challenged you or inspired you please pass it along, I would love to read it.

Initial Thoughts and Reflections on Sticky Faith

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In my ten years of working with teens, I have found several great resources that are made available through Christian or religious organizations.  These newsletters, blogs and website do a phenomenal job of tracking teen trends and having a pulse on current teen culture.  Over the last few months, several of these sites have mentioned new research by the Fuller Youth Institute called Sticky Faith.  The study followed teens who graduated from a church or youth group (involved/dedicated teens) into their college years. They found that 40-50% of youth fail to stick to their faith in college. Interpreted: these youth were not prepared to live out their faith, which they learned through their church and families, once they entered college.

I have been reading snippets here and there about this study recently and contemplating the thought that if close to 50% of youth back away from their faith in college, who is to say the same is not true for youth who belong to other groups. That youth who belong to school or afterschool programs that focus on positive character traits won’t toss out all of what they learned once they face their first tough situation?  I personally have seen this play out.  I have seen teens make great strides in high school, turn their lives around and begin making positive choices, teens who we thought are going to be the exception and “make it out.” Only to watch them make poor choices just months after graduating high school that drastically alter their course.  Often I have had the thought, what more could we have done?

It is with these thoughts bouncing around in my head that I jumped at the chance to hear the author of Sticky Faith, Dr. Kara Powell (Executive Director of Fuller Youth Institute), speak about the research and what we can do to make a larger impact in youth.  Now I will say that I have not read the book yet, and the talk I attended was geared towards parents. So my thoughts are still very initial in nature. But I am going to focus on some of the take-a-ways I had of what we (youth workers, youth ministers, parents) can do to intentionally to impact our youth and teens on a deeper level.

Dr. Powell introduced the 5:1 ratio.  In youth programs there is typically five or more youth to each adult. They are recommending the opposite, that there be 5 adults investing in the life of every youth.  They found that those youth who had a connection to several adults in regards to their faith growing up were more likely to stick with their faith in college.  To me this reminds me of the wrap-around approach used successfully by many social service agencies. Having multiple adults speaking truth into a teens life, being there for them, holding them accountable, being a role model for them.  This has a greater impact than just having one caring adult speaking into their life.  Now that does not mean each youth serving organization now needs to hire more staff.  These adults can be extended family members, teachers, coaches etc.

The second big piece I took away, and have already implemented with my own daughter, is being intentional about your conversations and allowing youth to ask questions. She gave an example from her family where they ask each other, “How did you see God at work today?”  A hope her is that rather than religion begin a set of rules to teens, they begin to see how God is apart of their daily life.  This concept might be a little too much for my four-year old daughter, but she does understand good and bad choices. So today I asked her about what good and bad choices she made today and we talked about it for a couple of minutes. Then I encouraged her to ask me and her mother the same question. Which of course she did with a big smile on her face. To me it is about being intentional with the character I am trying to instil in my daughter. Taking time daily to reflect on our choices, our motives and how those impact each other.  I don’t want her to be good because someone told her too, I want her to make good choices because she sees the positive effect it has on her and others.

Those are just some of the initial thoughts swirling around in my head based on the short seminar I attended.  I am excited to dive into the book, read a few more articles and reflect more on how we can be more intentional with the youth we serve and our own children so that they will have faith and character that sticks once they enter the real world. Be on the look out for more on this topic in the weeks and months to come.

 For more information check out the Sticky Faith Website.

Engaging Teens Through Texting

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A small portion of my job, and by far one of the favorite aspects of my job, is connecting/engaging teens through social media.  Since it is just a small portion of my role, I cannot justify spending hours researching how to best connect with teens or hundreds of dollars to take classes offered by “social Media experts.”  I just have to do it.  What has helped me tremendously is to follow and watch other companies, businesses or celebrities to see how they are actively engaging their teen audience.  It is amazing the little things you can pick up just by following someone on twitter.

One group that I have been following for a while that does an exceptional job of engaging teens in DoSomething.org. They are an organization committed to empowering teens to engage in causes that they care about. And one of their best teen engagement tools is texting teens.  Recently Mashable posted a video interview with DoSomething’s CEO & Chief Old Person (her actual title) Nancy Lublin (@nancylublin) where she shared some insight into their texting platform.  I encourage anyone who works in a field where you are engaging teens to view the interview (Nancy Lublin Interview on Mashable).

Here are some of my take-a-ways:

  • Nancy mentioned that texting teens is “Inherently 1 on 1 technology.”  Teens want to feel like you are talking directly to them, not posting something out there for hundreds or thousands of teens to see.  Texting does this like no other form of media currently.
  • Authenticity is key! In a culture where people can create a false image of themselves through social media, teens crave authenticity.  They want something that is real and very often they can see right through a company being fake or just trying to market to them.  Teens want something that is real.

If engaging teens through social media is a large portion of your job, or you just recognize it as a must in today’s culture, take time to observe what other groups are doing in this area.  And most importantly, talk to teens and get their feedback.  In my opinion a teens input can never be replaced by adults on the topic of how to engage and empower them.

 

Sense of Smell or my Cell Phone? Tough choice.

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For the last year I have been telling youth workers that to teens a cell phone is an extension of their body. Now there is research to back that up.  The Truth About Youth Report gave teens/young adults around the world a list of items and told them they could only save two of them. The list included items such as car, cosmetics, cell phone, and sense of smell. Just over half of 16-22 year-olds (53%) said that they would give up their sense of smell if it meant they could keep an item of technology. And of those technology items cell phones and laptop computers were the most popular.

This did not come as a complete shock to me for several reason.  One, a cell phone today is much more integral to teens daily lives than the clunky thing we first saw Zach Morris use on Saved by the Bell.  Teens have always had a desire to be connected to one another, to know what is going on or what their friends may be doing.  A cell phone allows them instant connection with each other through text messages or actual phone calls.

Secondly if a teen has a Smart Phone (some studies show that upwards of 30% of teens do) a cell phone gives teens access to their favorite free time activities. Some of their top favorite activities are going online, listening to music, watching TV, playing video games and interacting with their friends. A smart phone allows them to do all of those things where ever they are and when ever they want.

As parents or youth workers what can we do to help provide our teens with a healthy balance and respect for their cell phone? And I do say balance because I think if you took the device away or did not allow it in your youth space you might just lose that teen as part of your program, that is how important teens view their cell phone.

Parents:

  • Have set rules on when teens can and cannot use their phone. Examples: not at family meals, not after 10pm etc.
  • If the teen is going to have a cell phone or smart phone, have them pay for their part of the plan.
  • Have a cell phone parking lot in your house for ALL family members. This is a place where everyone places their cell phone when they are home, so they are not just carrying it around with them at all times.

Youth Workers:

  • Designate a space where teens can use their phone if they need to make a call.
  • Have workshops on phone etiquette (also include privacy and bullying topics).
  • Take advantage of technology and set up a safe ways to text your teen members important updates and reminders. Sites like www.classparrot.com is a new tool allowing teachers to text their students while keeping everyone’s cell phone numbers private.

Most importantly is to engage your teens in conversation about the pros and cons technology and model appropriate behavior.