Category Archives: Teen Perspective

Building Relationships with Teens: Be Dependable

Posted on by
Reply

If you have not read my previous posts in this series on Building Relationships with Teens, I encourage you to go back and read my first post to get an idea of why I started this series. (Here are links to posts two and three)

This is the fourth post in a series on how to connect with teens based on the Teen Voice 2010 study from the Search Institute and Best Buy Children’s Foundation. In this study, they shared a list of “10 tips from Teens to Adults” that outlined how to best connect with teens and what they look for in a caring adult relationship. In my third post, I focused on the tip, “Listen,” and shared examples of how I did this (or, in some cases how I failed to listen) in my work with teens. Today, I will share practical examples of how to connect with teens using Tip #4.

Tip #4: Be dependable. Do what you say you’re going to do.

In preparing for this series, I reached out to several teens I used to work with. They are all adults now, some with their own families—many are now working with youth. I shared this list and asked them if any stories came to mind about how I displayed or did not display the behaviors listed.  Matt, who I have known since he was around 13 years old, told me this story.

He said that one day he and I were sitting in the computer lab talking about religion, one of Matt’s favorite topics. I was sharing with him some of the principles I learned from the pastor at my church and the daily implications of this teaching. Matt was engaged in the conversation, asking questions and, if I remember correctly, challenging or debating me. He had a tendency to do that. But I remember that he was very interested in what we were talking about.

I mentioned that our church had created a bumper sticker with one of its key principles on it as a reminder or display. Matt casually mentioned how he would like one of those stickers to remind him of these principles, so I told him I would see if I could get one for him. When I was at church that week, I picked one up for him and gave it to him the next time I saw him.

Here is what Matt had to say about this interaction: “I remember one day we were discussing church and you were telling me about Mars Hill and the concept of “Love Wins.” I was completely amazed by the idea and asked you to get me a bumper sticker. The next time I saw you, you had my bumper sticker. Throughout my time under your leadership you were always adequately prepared and dependable. I can’t think of a time where you didn’t keep your word.”

To tell the truth I had completely forgotten about this encounter with Matt, but for some reason it has stuck with him all these years. I have talked to countless teens just this last year who have told me stories of adults asking for their feedback and then doing nothing with it. They share with me how an adult says they will provide something, like a field trip, as an incentive. But once the teens accomplish the task set before them, they never get the field trip.

Through my experiences working with teens, I quickly learned the importance of keeping my word and being dependable. I noticed this when teens would light up when I remembered a promise I made regarding a new game I bought for our teen center. I began to realize that many of the teens I was working with were promised stuff by adults all the time. By their teachers, their parents and other youth workers. But often those adults made up excuses to why they could not fulfill those promises. They began to expect that a promise or an adult’s word was not worth much, and they wouldn’t hold their hopes on it. Because of this, I made it a priority to never make a promise I could not keep and to follow through on what I say I am going to do for them.

Tips for Parents and Youth Workers:

  • Don’t make promises you can’t keep. If you have any doubt that you will be able to do something be honest. Teens will value and trust you more if you are open and tell them something might not happen (and WHY when possible) than if you just fail to produce.
  • The small stuff matters. More than five years later, Matt still remembers about a sticker I brought him.
  • Be an example. It has been said many times that teens watch what you do more than they listen to what you say. I found this to be very true in my experiences working with teens. Lead by example and be dependable. If you say they need to meet you at 8 a.m. you better be there at 7:50, waiting.

What Teens are Doing on Instagram

Posted on by
2

By far the hottest smartphone app for teens in 2012 was Instagram. It was the one trend that no matter what group of teens I was speaking with, they all mentioned it as being very popular with teens.  And with the number of teens owning smartphones up from 23% in 2011 to 37% in 2012, this app remains popular with teens well into 2013 and shows no signs of slowing down.

instagramHere is a quick synopsis of Instagram in case you are unfamiliar with this app. It is an app for your smartphone that enables you to edit pictures using various filters and effects. This allows you to make your everyday pictures look like you are a seasoned photographer. And of course Instagram allows you to easily share your pictures with friends via Facebook and Twitter. The app also allows you to “follow” others so that you always receive the latest pictures of what your friends are having for lunch. Just to put the popularity of this app in perspective, there are roughly 40 million pictures uploaded to the Instagram app each day.

When I ask teens why they like Instagram, they share various reasons related to personal self-expression. It allows them to share their life through pictures in a creative and sometimes artistic way.

With Instagram being so popular with teens, I have been paying more attention to it. I have been asking teens questions related to the app and how they use it and I have been using it myself to become more familiar with the app and it’s functions.

I think Instagram is a great app for adults and teens. It can bring out a creative side in almost anyone, which I think is a character trait lacking in today’s teens. It also allows teens to share unique experiences and opportunities they have had with their peers.

Recently at a large Teen Leadership conference I was helping manage, we created a hashtag for the conference. I was blown away when we had over 4,000 pictures tagged with the conference hashtag in just three days. The majority of the pictures showed teens participating in community service events, college tours and exploring historical sites. I thought this was very powerful. They were sharing these experiences with their peers who were not able to attend the event. When discussing this with one of the teens, he reminded me that “a picture is worth a thousand words.”

But I have noticed several trends related to Instagram that are concerning.

Age recuirement. One trend I have seen is common on many social networking sites. Users who are under the required age creating an account. The terms of Instagram state you must be 13 years old to use the services, but I have some across many accounts associated with youth under that age.

Public vs. Private. Instagram preferences, like most social media networks, are set to public but provide the option for the user to make their content private. If your Instagram account is set to private that means a user must ask to follow you before they can view your pictures. I am discovering that many teens do not make the selection to keep their account private. Because it is public, any Instagram user can view their pictures.

Creepy. Instagram has a feature that allows you to explore others content. This will generate a display showing pictures of various users that can be refreshed to show more photos. In viewing this option I have seen pictures of teens pop up in this display. What disturbs me the most is some of the pictures show teens in revealing outfits. I was showing this to my wife the other day and telling her how I have seen some of these users, who are teens, have upwards of 25K to 75K followers. What this tells me is either this teen is a celebrity that I don’t know about. Or there are a lot of Instagram users who are stumbling onto their pictures and then following them so that they continue to see more pictures of that teen in revealing outfits. Either way, it is disturbing to me that a teen of 15 or 16 are posting these types of pictures for all to see.

“Likes.” In a recent blog by Sarah Brooks, she talks about how teens are wrapped up in the number of “Likes” or “Followers” they have on sites like Instagram. For some teens, they may use this as a way to gage their popularity or self-worth. If you have not already read her post I encourage you to check it out here.

I started asking teens if they saw their peers trying to gain more “likes” and what they felt it meant. Here is what I learned.

20130429-114007.jpg“I see this all the time. I think it has turned into a type of competition and so they have the bragging rights of how many followers they have or how many likes they get on a picture.”

“I believe that it’s all an “ego” thing, also if you have more followers people think your Important in some way.”

“I have seen (the hashtag) #likeforlike so people who search it can like the pictures and have one of theirs liked too.” I checked this out in the explore feature on Instagram and found 7,207,689 pictures tagged #LikeforLike, many of them were of teens. The picture to the left is an example of what I found when I searched the hashtag #LikeforLike.

When discussing the popular hashtag #40morelikes one teen shared, “it is a way to get likes and followers. There is an app called TagforLikes that many people use to get a lot of likes on their pictures.” I checked this out and indeedinstagram and teens there were several apps that a user could download that would help you attain more “Likes” on your pictures. What it does is allow you to easily tag your picture with the most popular hashtags on Instagram, such as #food or #girl. Then when someone searches for one of those hashtags, your picture is displayed for them to view. The picture to the right is an example.

One reviewer of the app TagsforLikes mentioned gaining over 20 new likes in a matter of seconds using the app. Note these are not more likes from your friends but from random users.

If you are like me, all of this probably feels a little overwhelming. Maybe you are even thinking about taking social media privileges away from your teen. I don’t have all the answers but here are a few ideas to help guide you.

Tips for youth workers and parents:

  • Be aware. Half of the battle is knowing that these trends are out there and teens are engaging in them. My hope is that my blog is useful in provideing you with some current and relevat information regardint teens and teen trends. But you can ask teens yourself too. I am always surprised how much teens are willing to share. If you are a youth worker make sure you are asking teens about new trends, how they use new apps or what certain hashtags mean. Sarah Brooks is a great example of engaging the youth she is working with in conversation and being aware of what is going on. Parents, my hope is your teen is connected to a  youth group. If so, ask the youth worker(s) what are some of the trends you need to be aware of. And youth workers help out the parents. Host a workshop, write a monthly newsletter, create a system to text parents regularly about new trends you are seeing that you think they should be aware of.
  • Talk to your teen(s) about the importance of privacy settings on social network sites like Instagram. According to Pew Internet, only “39% of parents of teen users of social networks have helped their child set up privacy settings for a social networking site.” Youth workers here is another way you can help out. Host a social network session for your teens where you teach them about the privacy settings and why it is important that they use them properly.
  • Give them a “Like.” Not on a social media account but in real life. Every day. And often. Make sure they know they are liked, heck make sure they know they are loved and that someone cares about them. In the little things and big things. Compliment their outfit, their positive attitude, a character trait they displayed, just plan tell them they are awesome!

Building Relationships with Teens: Pay Attention to Them

Posted on by
Reply

If you have not read my previous two posts on Building Relationships with Teens, I encourage you to go back and read post one to get an idea of why I started this series. And you can find post two is located here.

This is the third post in a series on how to connect with teens based on the Teen Voice 2010 study from the Search Institute and Best Buy Children’s Foundation. In this study, they shared a list of “10 tips from Teens to Adults” that outlined how to best connect with teens and what they look for in a caring adult relationship. In my second post, I focused on the tip, “Spend time talking with us,” where I shared examples of how I have done this in my work with teens. I also provided some tips for youth workers and parents. Today I will share practical examples of how I connected with teens using Tip #3.

Tip 3: LISTEN. Pay attention. Don’t multi-task or get distracted when you’re with us. Respond to messages and texts.

I shared these 10 tips with a group of teens I am currently working with and asked their opinions. Today, one of the girls commented that the whole list was right on. But she continued to say that the most important tip on the list is to listen. She said she is “always getting yelled at for being on her phone, but many of the adults around her do the same thing.”

In a culture where teens are often driven to see how many “likes” or comments they can get on social networks or how many people view their video, you would think everyone is listening to them. When I have talked with teens about this, they admit that they know social networks don’t replace real face-to-face relationships. They also know that often people are not being their true selves online.

Teens crave authenticity, and as adults, parents and youth workers, we can provide that.

mom-teen-girl-talkingBut that means we must truly listen to them.

This tip and tip one (look at us and make eye contact) have a similar message: Pay attention to me; show me that you are listening and that you care.

I can’t use the line, “Back when I was a teen director,” because it truly has not been that long. But a lot has changed. I did not own a cell phone or have a social network account. So teens were not connecting with me through digital devices, but we still had our fair share of distractions.

Rather than tell you of a time when I did listen to teens well, I want to tell you the ways I did not listen to teens well. In my role as the teen director at the local Boys & Girls Club, I had a lot of responsibilities. We often had 60–80 teens in our facility at a time, more during the winter months. This created distractions for me. Instead of focusing on the one conversation I was having with a teen or small group of teens I was constantly looking away, scanning the room to make sure the other teens were behaving or seeing who had just arrived.

I had a technique I refer to as “drive-by conversations.” I would circle the room stopping briefly at each group of teens to comment on a pool game, ask how school was that day or ask who was winning at Madden. I was making little connections but often I was not allowing for a true response. Often I was walking away as they were responding to my initial question. I was not listening to them.

Tips for Youth Workers and Parents:

  • Don’t be distracted. Do the basics: look at the teen you are talking with, turn and face him or her, have an open posture and ask follow-up questions to show you are engaged. Model the behavior you want to see in them.
  • Put your phone out of sight. They can be the biggest distraction we have around us. If it vibrates, rings or sings to you, do not immediately reach for it. Parents, create a cell phone parking lot in your home where cell phones go while you are in the house. This will limit your desire to look at it every five seconds.
  • Respond. If they email, call, text, tweet, or send a carrier pigeon or smoke signals, make sure you respond in a timely manner. And this means knowing what a timely manner is for teens.
  • Schedule follow-up conversations. If you do have to step away for a legitimate reason like a meeting or you have to use the bathroom, let them know when you will be back or schedule a time to finish your conversation. Be proactive and seek them out to follow-up and re-connect.  I worked with a staff member who was great at this. Often when she would have a task at hand, she would ask the teen to walk and talk with her as she moved about the teen center.

Building Relationships with Teens: Spend Time Talking with Them

Posted on by
Reply

One of my main goals is to help adults better understand, relate to and connect with teens in order to positively impact their lives. Because of that, this is the second post in a series focusing on how to connect with teens based on the Teen Voice 2010 study from the Search Institute and Best Buy Children’s Foundation. In this study, they shared a list of “10 tips from Teens to Adults” that outlined how to best connect with teens and what they look for in a caring adult relationship. In my first post I focused on the first tip, “Look at us,” and shared examples of how I have done this in my work with teens. I also provided some tips for youth workers and parents. Today I will share practical examples of how I connected with teens using Tip #2.

Tip #2: Spend time talking with us. Ask open-ended questions. Build conversation.

I have to admit that when I first started working with youth, asking open-ended questions was very difficult for me. I was comfortable with the “How’s it going?” type questions or “What are your hobbies?” but getting deeper than that was tough for me. When I was serving as an adventure guide out in Washington, I had fellow guides and counselors that could ask just the right question that would lead to an hour-long conversation with a teen. I often sat by quietly in amazement at what seemed to come so naturally to some of the other guides.

But, like anything, practice and a few good resources helped me grow and become more comfortable asking questions of teens. What worked for me was a game called The Ungame. It is the simplest game in the world and turned out to be one of the best games to get teens talking in groups. You pass the deck around and each person picks a card. Each card in the deck has a simple question on it. Then you go around and each person answers the question. Simple right?

the-ungame-300dpiThe deck of cards is divided into two categories. Category one cards are more lighthearted questions such as “Talk about your favorite sport and why you like it” or “In what ways does TV influence your life?” Category two cards are a little more deep or serious, such as “Which of your senses do you value the most?” or “What kind of emergency scares you the most?”

I would always keep The Ungame on my desk and use it as an icebreaker with various small group meetings. Starting with the category one cards was a great way to begin to get to know each other better and form connections. I would find that these random questions would allow teens to then open up about their passions or their deepest fears. And because the questions came from a deck of cards and not me, they were more likely to answer.

I remember one time in particular when I was taking a group of teens to a leadership conference and we had a four- to six-hour van ride. After a few rounds of arguing over what music to play I mentioned that I had The Ungame in my bag. The teens, probably 8–10 in all, were very excited and started facilitating the game by themselves. They decided that since they had played the game previously as a group that they would change up our rules: for every card that was drawn, we would go around and each person would answer the question. They played the game for what felt like three hours. It was great because I barely did anything but drive and listen. It was the quickest drive with teens in my life and I felt like by the time we arrived at our destination, the teens truly knew each other and had developed a deeper appreciation of and trust for each other.

The cool thing about a game like The Ungame is that you can set it up how ever you’d like. If the group is still relatively new, start with category one cards and not allow any questions or comments. If the group has been around each other and demonstrates that they are comfortable with each other, use category two cards and allow people to ask follow-up questions to others’ responses.

Using a tool like The Ungame helped me become more comfortable asking teens questions that truly mattered. I ended up realizing that many of them were waiting for someone to ask them deeper questions and allow them to share their thoughts, feelings and struggles. I realize now that I had more anxiety over asking these questions than they had in responding to me. Now I really enjoy asking teens questions.

Tips for Youth Workers and Parents:

  • Be prepared. Some people are great at asking questions in the moment, but if you are like me this can be difficult. Spend time thinking and even writing down open-ended questions and conversations starters for the groups or teens you interact with. Now, I don’t recommend changing a conversation just to ask your question. Try to fit questions in the conversation or use them when there is a lull.
  • Listen to what they are saying and follow up. Once the conversation ends, think about a follow-up question you could ask next time you see them. This shows that you were listening and that you truly care. I sometimes dealt with over 100 teens a day and would often jot down little notes of conversations I have with certain teens to help me remember them later.
  • Have a favorite or go-to question with a purpose. I was mentoring a teen through the court system and found it hard to create conversation, especially around some of the issues he needed help and guidance with. So I began asking him “What good choices did you make this week?” each time I saw him. At first he had trouble answering and I would have to dig a little deeper. But after a year of weekly meetings he would come up to me answering the question before I even had a chance to ask it. This guided our conversation and also brought his positive choices to the forefront of our conversation and his mind instead of the negative choices that he was accustomed to talking about.

Building Relationships with Teens: Make Eye Contact

Posted on by
Reply

One of the main goals I have is to help adults better understand, relate to and connect with teens in order to positively impact their lives. I have seen first hand and talked to a lot of teens who have overcome great obstacles in their lives because of one caring adult. So it was very exciting when I stumbled upon the Teen Voice 2010 study from the Search Institute and Best Buy Children’s Foundation. What I found most exciting about this survey is they had a list of “10 tips from Teens to Adults” that outlined how to best connect with teens and what they looked for in a caring adult relationship.

I have said in numerous blog posts that one of the most important things you can do when working with teens is to listen to them. I am going use my own advice and begin a series of posts walking through each of these “10 tips from Teens to Adults.” In this series I will be sharing practical examples of how you can use each one to build a positive relationship with teens.

Tip One: Look at Us. Make eye contact.

This sounds simple enough. But think through the times you are talking and engaged with teens and try to remember what else you may have been doing at the time? I can remember countless times where I was around teens and I was multitasking. I would look up from my computer and say hi and how was your day? To then turn back to my computer while they answered. In that moment I was not focused one hundred percent on that teen.  I had missed out on an opportunity to have a deep connection with that them.

table_tennisOne of my favorite games to play when I worked at a local Boys & Girls Club Teen Center was ping-pong. I was a tennis pro at a local country club through college so ping-pong came very naturally. Because of this I taught myself to play ping-pong left-handed to make the games more competitive and fun for the members. Sometimes I did not even tell them I was right-handed. But back to building relationships with teens.

I used ping-pong as a way to engage in conversation, especially with teens that were not likely to just sit down and open up. While playing I continually asked my teen opponent questions. It could have been as simple as “how was your day” or as in-depth as asking about a struggle they were working to overcome. One specific method I always tried to practice if a conversation went to that deeper level was this: if I really wanted the teen to know I was listening, I would simply hold the ball between points and wait to serve until we had finished up that part of the conversation.

I knew some of these teens did not have many adults truly listening to them. I wanted to show them that there were adults who cared about them. I had one teen in particular who was a member of one of the local gangs. He would come in everyday after school and immediately challenge me in ping-pong. He had a hard exterior but after weeks and weeks of playing and using this practice of asking questions and listening to him, he began to open up to me. He never beat me in ping-pong and was pretty ticked when he found out I was not left-handed, but he kept coming back. I like to think he did not keep coming back to try to win but to talk with me.

Youth Worker and Parent tips:

  • Don’t multitask while trying to have a conversation with teens. We don’t like it when they multitask while we are trying to talk to them. So don’t do it to them.
  • If a teen asks you a question, no matter how small, turn to look at them and give them your attention.
  • If you do have to step away from a conversation, set a time to finish the conversation.

A Teens View of Social Media

Posted on by
Reply

One of the best way to understand teens, learn their perspectives on various topics and what the current teen trends are is to ask them questions and to listen to them. This is a point I share frequently because it is the key to understanding teens and to building relationships with them. Occasionally I will share thoughts and quotes from teens in my post or even let a teen share their views and thoughts on certain topics to help us gain insight.

This week I read a blog post written by a teen talking about her perspectives and thoughts on Social Media. I thought this was a great opportunity to see Social Media from the perspective of a teen. So I asked if I could share their blog post with each of you.

Let me first tell you a little about my guest blogger. Allie is a 19 year- old freshmen at the University of Connecticut majoring in English. Her favorite App is either Twitter or Instagram and her favorite TV show is Suits on the USA network. You can check out Allie’s blog where she writes about life and the transition from being a kid to an adult.

For Your Eyes Only, written by Allie.

Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, whatever. I love social media. Sosososo much, in facebookfact I spend 70% of my conscious time scrolling through various news feeds—in class, mid conversation, half asleep, I’m basically always online (except when you try to text me, you’ll probably get a response in 3 hours – 2 days). And after spending so much time this way, I’ve realized that a lot of people are misusing social media (or is everyone else doing it right and I’m LIKE TOTALLY using it wrong?!?!). But before I get into what I mean by that I’ll preface with an explanation.

In my opinion: sympathy sucks. I hate being babied, coddled, comforted, the works. Yes, even when I’m upset. Leave me alone. I don’t want or need the “I’m sorry’s” or “Are you okay” or “I’m here for you” especially the pitying looks that come along with it. In my opinion pity helps no one.

twitterTrue authentic friendship and all that jazz is unspoken. I’ll come to you. Likewise, if you’re upset don’t assume I don’t care, I do, I’m giving you the space I know I’d want and sparing the awkward pity exchanges. Again, obviously if we’re friends call me, text me, I’m here. But only if you ask, I’m not going to intrude on your grief, it’s not about me and I don’t want to make it about me.

So what, does this have to do with social media? Ahhh great question, and so you shall see… Cue the transition!

On Facebook I have 700+ friends (after the post graduation purge), 120+ twitter followers (I only follow like 70 people, so I’m pretty popular OKAY), 80+ Instagram followers (okay so instagrammy pictures just suck), and like 4 people who snapchat me regularly. Basically the epitome of popularity, RIGHT? Anyways, my followings and friendships are considered small. But seriously, are there really more than 700 people who I can call my friend? Or that I take interest in the happenings of their lives? Heeeeellllllll naw. Let’s face it, if these pages actually reflected my close friendships there’d be about 10 people on each (maybe fewer).

But is that what social media is really about? Facebook is a place to make connections with old and new friends. It’s for sharing pictures, videos, little tiny snippets of our lives to the people we’ve encountered along the way. Twitter is even less of that, can you really form or upkeep bonds in 140 characters or less? Again, I repeat: heeeeellllllll naw. I follow comedians, celebrities, parody accounts, NYC_Blonde (<3333), and sure my friends too. Twitter is about laughs, tiny nuggets of information, and the sharing of non-problems like tripping in public or complaining about the weather. And the same goes for Instagram and snapchat. These are public forums, and most times open to anyone and everyone.

So the problem is, that people are using these places to air dirty laundry and to express serious problems. I am definitely not saying that you’re problems aren’t real or that what you’re going through isn’t tough. Not at all. But I am trying to be realistic. Realistically, how many of your 100+ followers actually care? How many of them will actually want to help you. Oh yeah, I’m sure you’ll get plenty of “keep your head up” replies or “stay strong” comments. But how many of them are invested enough in your life to share your pain? How many actually have your phone number and can call you to make sure you’re okay?

And believe you me that I do not want even a fraction of my followers to try to comfort me. I sleep easier knowing I have Madison on speed dial and that Taylor will run across campus to see me. And that my other close friends, no matter how far away will sit with me in silence on the phone until I want to talk. Moral of this too long story: you have real friends, use them. Because when Facebook and Twitter go the same way as MySpace, most of your ‘friends’ will disappear.