Tag Archives: Parenting Tips

Building Relationships with Teens: Pay Attention to Them

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If you have not read my previous two posts on Building Relationships with Teens, I encourage you to go back and read post one to get an idea of why I started this series. And you can find post two is located here.

This is the third post in a series on how to connect with teens based on the Teen Voice 2010 study from the Search Institute and Best Buy Children’s Foundation. In this study, they shared a list of “10 tips from Teens to Adults” that outlined how to best connect with teens and what they look for in a caring adult relationship. In my second post, I focused on the tip, “Spend time talking with us,” where I shared examples of how I have done this in my work with teens. I also provided some tips for youth workers and parents. Today I will share practical examples of how I connected with teens using Tip #3.

Tip 3: LISTEN. Pay attention. Don’t multi-task or get distracted when you’re with us. Respond to messages and texts.

I shared these 10 tips with a group of teens I am currently working with and asked their opinions. Today, one of the girls commented that the whole list was right on. But she continued to say that the most important tip on the list is to listen. She said she is “always getting yelled at for being on her phone, but many of the adults around her do the same thing.”

In a culture where teens are often driven to see how many “likes” or comments they can get on social networks or how many people view their video, you would think everyone is listening to them. When I have talked with teens about this, they admit that they know social networks don’t replace real face-to-face relationships. They also know that often people are not being their true selves online.

Teens crave authenticity, and as adults, parents and youth workers, we can provide that.

mom-teen-girl-talkingBut that means we must truly listen to them.

This tip and tip one (look at us and make eye contact) have a similar message: Pay attention to me; show me that you are listening and that you care.

I can’t use the line, “Back when I was a teen director,” because it truly has not been that long. But a lot has changed. I did not own a cell phone or have a social network account. So teens were not connecting with me through digital devices, but we still had our fair share of distractions.

Rather than tell you of a time when I did listen to teens well, I want to tell you the ways I did not listen to teens well. In my role as the teen director at the local Boys & Girls Club, I had a lot of responsibilities. We often had 60–80 teens in our facility at a time, more during the winter months. This created distractions for me. Instead of focusing on the one conversation I was having with a teen or small group of teens I was constantly looking away, scanning the room to make sure the other teens were behaving or seeing who had just arrived.

I had a technique I refer to as “drive-by conversations.” I would circle the room stopping briefly at each group of teens to comment on a pool game, ask how school was that day or ask who was winning at Madden. I was making little connections but often I was not allowing for a true response. Often I was walking away as they were responding to my initial question. I was not listening to them.

Tips for Youth Workers and Parents:

  • Don’t be distracted. Do the basics: look at the teen you are talking with, turn and face him or her, have an open posture and ask follow-up questions to show you are engaged. Model the behavior you want to see in them.
  • Put your phone out of sight. They can be the biggest distraction we have around us. If it vibrates, rings or sings to you, do not immediately reach for it. Parents, create a cell phone parking lot in your home where cell phones go while you are in the house. This will limit your desire to look at it every five seconds.
  • Respond. If they email, call, text, tweet, or send a carrier pigeon or smoke signals, make sure you respond in a timely manner. And this means knowing what a timely manner is for teens.
  • Schedule follow-up conversations. If you do have to step away for a legitimate reason like a meeting or you have to use the bathroom, let them know when you will be back or schedule a time to finish your conversation. Be proactive and seek them out to follow-up and re-connect.  I worked with a staff member who was great at this. Often when she would have a task at hand, she would ask the teen to walk and talk with her as she moved about the teen center.

What Teens Want for Christmas

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I have really gotten into the Christmas spirit this year. I’m listening to Christmas music with my family every chance I get, took my girls to look at Christmas lights around town and most importantly taken time to bless others with gifts this season. All of this has got me thinking, What do Teens Want for Christmas this year? 

I decided to do a very detailed and scientific study to answer this questions. My process you ask? It involved asking teens, asking youth workers who work with teens and parents of teens to ask them what they want. I know what you are thinking, that is very detailed and scientific indeed. Then I compiled the answers for my first every very scientific study of What Teens Want for Christmas this year. So here you have it.

Very popularimagesCA7IRI99 and mentioned by numerous teens were Video games and gaming accessories (for XBox 360, Wii and PS3). The most popular games that were asked for include Call of Duty: Black Ops II, Just Dance 4 and NBA 2K13.

Of course all things technology are always popular with teens, so it was no surprise that they wanted the latest gadgets and devices. Such as the Kindle Fire , Apple iPad and various Smartphones.

Before I get to the most popular items and my recommendations for the top gifts to get that teen in your life, let’s hear directly from a few teens about what they want for Christmas this year.

Reina, 15 yrs. Old: “For Christmas I want everyone around the world to have a good, warm meal, shelter, a good family, and toys for the little children.”

 Brayan, 16 yrs. Old: “For Christmas I want a PS3 and some games.”

 Davis, 15 yrs. Old: “I would like to get Black Ops 2 for my PS3.”

 teen christmasKevin, 17 yrs. Old: “For Christmas I don’t really need any material things because I have a job for that.  I just want to have a good year with my family and to do well in school.”

 Monica, 16 yrs. Old: “I would really enjoy getting something with a zebra pattern on it because I love zebra’s!”

 Irene, 15 yrs. Old: “What do I want for Christmas?  Oh…Justin Beiber perfume because it smells really good!”

 Michelle, 17 yrs. Old: “I want a professional camera for Christmas.”

 David, 14 yrs Old: “I would like, umm…an XBOX 360 controller.”

In case you have not already made a purchase for that teenager in your life, here are the top asked for gifts and my recommendations. Don’t worry, these can be relatively inexpensive.

The top item I heard teens ask for this year are headphones and earbuds. Now that almost all teens have a Smartphone or MP3 player of some sorts ear buds are turning into a must earbudshave accessory. They are for more than just listening to music, they are a fashion statement and many teens have multiple sets to go with different outfits and styles. The most popular and most asked for brand is Beats by Dre, which are on the pricy side. But don’t fret if that is way out of your price range. Teens also enjoy the less pricy but still stylish brand SkullCandy, which offers earbuds and headphones for all price ranges. Hint: you can find SkullCandy earbuds for right around $10 that would make a great stocking stuffer.

Whenever I am getting gifts or prizes for teens this next item is always at the top of my list. So I was not surprised to see many teens just asking for Gift Cards. (Visa Gift Cards, iTunes, amazon, movie theater etc.) They are excited because it allows them to get something they truly want vs. a gift they may not be too happy with. And the great thing is if they get several small gift cards, they may be able to add them up and get that one big item they had been hoping for.

So you heard it straight from Santa…I mean teens themselves. If you have to purchase a gift for a teen this year and they have not given you a list. Stick to what is listed here and you should be in good shape.

Teens Don’t Value Human Interaction, Or Do They?

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“Teens are constantly texting or on social networks and don’t value human interaction anymore.”

I have heard this and similar statements numerous times in the past few weeks from adults. Many of them are angry and down-right mad when they make these statements to me.  Although there is value to their frustration, (13-17 year olds exchange 3,417 texts a month on average according to a report by Nielson), I think we need to look a little deeper and understand what is going on from a teens perspective.

When I talk to teens regarding their preferred methods of communication I am blown away by how detailed and sometimes complicated it is. It goes a little something like this:

“If I need a quick response I will call the person and text if it is something short like can I get a ride to the football game. I post on Facebook to inform and update my friends and family on whats going on and if I need to “vent” or “go on a rant” I head to twitter. Small talk with my friends is definitely a text, but if we want to have a deeper conversation then we call, Skype or talk face-to-face. If I am working on the computer, I will IM with my friends instead of text. And if I am not real close to the person I will always text them over call them. Oh and email, that is only for school and sharing documents.”

Did you get all that? What teens are saying is they use different forms of communication depending on the content and who they are communicating with. Where adults might question the redundancy of a teen needing to text, tweet and post to Facebook all with in a 2 minute time frame, teens don’t see it that way. They see it as communicating different things to different groups of people. So there seems to be some thought put into this madness.

When I was a teen I only had the options of calling someone on the phone, talking to them face-to-face or sending them a letter. I personally did not like talking on the phone and still don’t. Even to this day I get anxiety over calling to order a pizza. I wish I had other communication options while I was growing up and I can see how youth who may be more shy or timid can benefit from being able to text or IM their peers.

But back to the statements about teens not valuing human contact. This is one of the biggest myths I am seeing regarding teens right now. It simply is not true. When I was talking to teens about this topic, almost all of them said that they prefer face-to-face interaction over any other form of communication. They did not even hesitate or think twice to say it. One teen even commented that he enjoyed human interaction “because you could see the other persons emotions and expressions.” And this made him happy.

This is backed up by a recent study from Common Sense Media titled, “Social Media, Social Life: How Teens View Their Digital Lives.” They asked teens about their favorite way to communicate and found that 49% of teens favored “In Person”, followed by 33% “Texting”, 7% “Social Networks”, 4% “By Phone” and 1% “Twitter.”

This is Great News! Teens do in fact desire human interaction. In fact I dare to say they Crave human interaction.

What does this mean?

For Parents:

  • First of all, look at any form of communication coming from your teen to you as a positive thing.
  • Set up times to do things as a family. Eat dinner together, go on a hike, watch a TV show or Movie together. Set up rules during these family times so no one uses technology or is distracted.
  • Your teen might not want you to show that you care about them in front of their friends. Nothing is as embarrassing to a teen as a mom yelling, “I Love You Honey,” as they drop you off at school. But a quick text saying you appreciate them, are proud of them or can’t wait to hang out with them is a great way to use the various forms of communication to your advantage.
  • Put your own phone down, get off the computer, step away from the TV and just be around your teen. Look them in the eye and show them you are listening to them.

For Youth Workers:

  • Show you value teens by making space for face-to-face conversations with them.
  • Create opportunities for teens to be in community with each other. Create small clubs and groups around common interests.
  • Make your time with them so much fun that they will not want to stop every five seconds to update their status on Facebook. Teens want to be in the here and now.

71% of Teens Hide their Online Behavior from their Parents

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As long as there have been teenagers, there have been teens hiding stuff from their parents. They try to hide their behavior, their report card, something illegal they should not have etc. In today’s technology age teens are also hiding what they are doing online.  McAfee, the world’s largest dedicated security technology company, recently released findings from the company’s 2012 Teen Internet Behavior study showing what teens are hiding and how they are doing it.

The study found that over half of teens (61%) feel confident that they know how to hide what they do online from parents and 71% (Up from 45% in 2010) of teens have actually done something to hide their online behavior.” How are teens hiding their online behavior? Here are the top ten ways teens hide their online behavior as identified by the study.

  1. Clearing the browser history (53%)
  2. Close/minimize browser when parent walked in (46%)
  3. Hide or delete IMs or videos (34%)
  4. Lie or omit details about online activities (23%)
  5. Use a computer your parents don’t check (23%)
  6. Use an internet-enabled mobile device (21%)
  7. Use privacy settings to make certain content viewable only by friends (20%)
  8. Use private browsing modes (20%)
  9. Create a private email address unknown to parents (15%)
  10. Create duplicate/fake social network profiles (9%)

Youth Worker and Parent Tips: If you work with teens or have teens in your home, here are a few practical tips to help you navigate your teens internet behavior. (Note: some of these tips were taken directly from McAffee’s report)

  •  Have “frequent one-to-one conversations with teens to get through to them about the choices they’re making online and the risks and consequences of their choices.”

  • “Be diligent about setting parental controls, which includes keeping a watchful eye to know if/when teens discover ways around them, as many already have.”

  • “Be upfront with teens about monitors and controls implemented on their internet devices, as half of teens say they would think twice about their online activities if they knew parents were watching.”

  • Check the history on your computer. You can see past pages that have been visited, if you do not recognize a site, check it out and become in the know. If you notice that there is not a lot of history, this alerts you that someone is deleting the history after their use and maybe trying to hide something.

  • Place all computers in an open space where the screen is visible from a distance and keep a watchful eye when teens are using the computer. Parents, allowing a computer in your teens bedroom is not a good idea.  Same with allowing them to take their cell phone into their room at night. This allows unsupervised use and creates temptation for teens.

  • Stay in the know. Follow news/media/blog posts on internet behavior and what you need to be aware of.  A couple good sites/resources are Mashable.com or the MSNBC Science and Technology section (sign up for the e-newslettter). On twitter? Then here are some great follows that will keep you in the know @Mashable @SueScheff and @CommonSenseNews just to name a few. Fact is there are many great resources available today, it may take a little bit of work but it is better than throwing your hands up and giving up.

The McAffee study has a lot more interesting findings than just what I covered in this post. Such as what are teens actually accessing and hiding, a look at what’s at stake, the disconnect between what teens are doing and what parents are aware of and much more. I encourage you to check out the full study located here.

Teens and How they View Social Media

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A majority of the time when I am speaking to adults about social media and teens they  have very negative views. Usually based on news stories they have seen in the media.  Yes teen use social media, we all know that.  But it is not as negative or all encompassing as many adults may perceive. A new report from Common Sense Media titled ”Social Media, Social Life: How Teens View Their Digital Lives” sheds light on how teens view social media, and there are some very positive findings. And to make it even better they created a nice Infographic for those who don’t want to sift through all the findings. (Common Sense Media is an organization providing families trustworthy information to thrive in a world of media and technology)

Here is the great Infographic, below I will provide a few helpful youth worker tips bases on findings of this study.

Youth Worker and Parent Tips:

  • The report clearly shows that in person is their favorite way to communicate (followed by texting). Don’t get caught up in trying to publicize or reach teens for your program via social media. Meet them face to face. Take them out for a meal, hang out where teens are, engage them. Use social media and texting as a way to communicate and supplement word of mouth communication not take over for it.
  • Just over half of teens feel social media can help their relationships with family and friends. I find this to be true when I speak with teens. They feel they can keep in touch and see what is going on in each others daily lives even if they live far away. Especially if it is not a friend or family member they are able to connect with regularly.  As a parent, connect with other family members on social media sites and encourage your family to connect with your kids. This can allow your teens to feel more connected to their extended family making family get-togethers less awkward.
  • There is a large group of teens (and adults if we are honest with ourselves) who feel addicted to social media and wish they could disconnect. Create opportunities for teens to disconnect. Don’t be forceful and make this something you do everyday for long periods of time. But maybe if you are going on a field trip, having a lock-in or going on a family outing you ask everyone (adults too) to try to refrain from using technology. Doing this periodically can help teach teens how to step away from technology and be more engaged in the moment.

Cinnamon, Not Just a Spice in Apple Pie.

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Updated April 23rd, 2013: It seems the Cinnamon Challenge is back in the news after an article was published online in Pediatrics journal.  The report said “at least 30 teens nationwide needed medical attention after taking the “challenge” last year.” See the following video from the Today Show for more information and read my blog post written on March 28th, 2012 for my thoughts on this challenge.

When I was in college I remember the “Gallon Challenge” being popular. It is when someone tries to drink a gallon of milk within one hour. Ultimately most people ended up throwing up.  I first heard of the Cinnamon Challenge over a year ago and I associated it as another type of challenge that people were attempting for fun to see “if” they could accomplish it. In fact most of the stories I personally have heard regarding the Cinnamon Challenge has been adults attempting it, not teen.

Like many other teen trends, the media has gotten a hold of this one and is labeling it dangerous. I feel adults working with teens need to be aware of and share the dangerous of the cinnamon challenge with their teens. But I do not feel that this is a scary trend that we need to be overly alarmed over. I actually had no intention of even making a blog post regarding in. But I saw a segment on the Today Show this weekend that I felt made some great points that related to more than just the Cinnamon Challenge.

TODAY: Cinnamon Challenge Raises Fears

Steve Adubato, Ph.D, made several great points related to why teens would even engage in such a challenge. He made the point that teens feel they are superstars waiting to happen and sites like YouTube allow them to have their own reality show of sorts.  Teens feel that they are just one video clip away from becoming a celebrity.  If they can do the challenge better than others or be more outrageous than others they will get more views and in a sense become a viral video star.  I cannot agree more.

One other thought I had while watching this was around the notion that teens are more likely to engage in risky or thrill seeking behavior than adults. I tend to agree with this especially when I look back at my teenage and college years, I can remember taking some crazy risks.  I feel that is a part of why the Cinnamon Challenge has taken off with teens.  It is risky but seems safe enough, therefore more teens are willing to give it a try. Unlike other activities, such as doing drugs or racing cars, the apparent risk is very low.

Tips for Youth Workers:

  • Talk to teens about these types of challenges. Ask them if they would be willing to do it and why. It is a great opportunity to see into how they think and weigh risks.
  •   A Great question/conversation starter off of this idea would be “what is the most risky thing they would be willing to do to become famous?”
  • Ask them what they think of reality TV stars?  What are the positive and negative characteristics of them?

Tips for Parents:

  • Talk to your teens about videos they see on YouTube and ask them if they have or would be willing to try some of the activities. And of course ask why or why not?
  • Don’t go and hide the Cinnamon.
  • Share with them the dangers of the cinnamon challenge.

Initial Thoughts and Reflections on Sticky Faith

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In my ten years of working with teens, I have found several great resources that are made available through Christian or religious organizations.  These newsletters, blogs and website do a phenomenal job of tracking teen trends and having a pulse on current teen culture.  Over the last few months, several of these sites have mentioned new research by the Fuller Youth Institute called Sticky Faith.  The study followed teens who graduated from a church or youth group (involved/dedicated teens) into their college years. They found that 40-50% of youth fail to stick to their faith in college. Interpreted: these youth were not prepared to live out their faith, which they learned through their church and families, once they entered college.

I have been reading snippets here and there about this study recently and contemplating the thought that if close to 50% of youth back away from their faith in college, who is to say the same is not true for youth who belong to other groups. That youth who belong to school or afterschool programs that focus on positive character traits won’t toss out all of what they learned once they face their first tough situation?  I personally have seen this play out.  I have seen teens make great strides in high school, turn their lives around and begin making positive choices, teens who we thought are going to be the exception and “make it out.” Only to watch them make poor choices just months after graduating high school that drastically alter their course.  Often I have had the thought, what more could we have done?

It is with these thoughts bouncing around in my head that I jumped at the chance to hear the author of Sticky Faith, Dr. Kara Powell (Executive Director of Fuller Youth Institute), speak about the research and what we can do to make a larger impact in youth.  Now I will say that I have not read the book yet, and the talk I attended was geared towards parents. So my thoughts are still very initial in nature. But I am going to focus on some of the take-a-ways I had of what we (youth workers, youth ministers, parents) can do to intentionally to impact our youth and teens on a deeper level.

Dr. Powell introduced the 5:1 ratio.  In youth programs there is typically five or more youth to each adult. They are recommending the opposite, that there be 5 adults investing in the life of every youth.  They found that those youth who had a connection to several adults in regards to their faith growing up were more likely to stick with their faith in college.  To me this reminds me of the wrap-around approach used successfully by many social service agencies. Having multiple adults speaking truth into a teens life, being there for them, holding them accountable, being a role model for them.  This has a greater impact than just having one caring adult speaking into their life.  Now that does not mean each youth serving organization now needs to hire more staff.  These adults can be extended family members, teachers, coaches etc.

The second big piece I took away, and have already implemented with my own daughter, is being intentional about your conversations and allowing youth to ask questions. She gave an example from her family where they ask each other, “How did you see God at work today?”  A hope her is that rather than religion begin a set of rules to teens, they begin to see how God is apart of their daily life.  This concept might be a little too much for my four-year old daughter, but she does understand good and bad choices. So today I asked her about what good and bad choices she made today and we talked about it for a couple of minutes. Then I encouraged her to ask me and her mother the same question. Which of course she did with a big smile on her face. To me it is about being intentional with the character I am trying to instil in my daughter. Taking time daily to reflect on our choices, our motives and how those impact each other.  I don’t want her to be good because someone told her too, I want her to make good choices because she sees the positive effect it has on her and others.

Those are just some of the initial thoughts swirling around in my head based on the short seminar I attended.  I am excited to dive into the book, read a few more articles and reflect more on how we can be more intentional with the youth we serve and our own children so that they will have faith and character that sticks once they enter the real world. Be on the look out for more on this topic in the weeks and months to come.

 For more information check out the Sticky Faith Website.

What Would Happen if you Went Without Media for 24 Hours?

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As I sit here to Blog I have TweetDeck open, just updated my Facebook status, and I have several web pages open including one about to live stream an event in 10 minutes.  To say Media is a part of our lives is an understatement. It is integral to how we function, how we get information, how we connect with people and ideas and how we are entertained.

But some of my best memories come during times I spent far removed from any form of media.  Rafting a class III-IV river, repelling down a cliff, climbing a mountain, hiking, mountain biking or just sitting around a campfire.

I came across a study by the International Center for Media & the Public Affairs and the Salzburg Academy on Media & Global Change today that asked 1000 college students in 10 different countries to go with out any media contact for 24 hours.  That time frame did not seem long to me but based on the results of the study it looks like it is getting harder and harder for the upcoming generations (me included) to pull away from media completely.

Some key findings that stood out to me, and to be honest scared the crap out of me a little bit were:

  • They found the analogies and metaphors students used to describe what they felt “made explicit the depths of their distress and likened their reactions to feelings of a drug withdrawal.”
  • I have always said that media, and cell phone particularly are, like an extension of a teens body. This study affirmed that saying media was integral to the students personal identities.
  • “For many students going without media for 24 hours ripped back the curtain on their hidden loneliness.”
  • Many students could not imagine how to fill up all their free time without media.

Some key findings I found interesting or promising were:

  • “Mobile Phones function both as this generation’s Swiss Army knife AND Its security blanket.” – This made me laugh and picture Apple using it in their next marketing piece.
  • Students use different communication tools for difference types of people. “They call their mothers, they text and Skype Chat close friends, they Facebook with their social groups, they email their professors and employers.”- I found this spot on.
  • Students found that they engaged in face to face relationships to a higher level than they had previously been doing.  Some commented that they had the best day ever with friends they had known for over three years, on the day they went without media.

(To be honest while writing this I saw a tweet that led me to turn on the TV and DVR a show)

In my mind, as a youth development professional who works with teens and as a father, this raises or affirms concerns about how much media teens and adults are consuming.

I have two girls under 4 years old so the battle is just begining for me.  I plan on (and already am) getting my girls outside and exposing them to the beauty in nature. I plan on encouraging my girls passions such as dance, art and sport and providing opportunities to explore those passions.  I will set boundaries for media in our house and will start by modeling that behavior myself.

I encourage you to do the same with your self, youth you interact with, friends and family.  Good Luck, I know we can do this.

Link to the study: http://theworldunplugged.wordpress.com/